It's been real...

I'm moving my blog to Sraedoes.wordpress.com.  Blogger is making all blogs with "adult content" private only, and while I don't have adult content on my blog, I don't like this kind of thing.  So, alas, scoot along I must!  I'm reposting many of my posts from this blog on my new blog, and there will of course be new content.  Hope to see you there!

#bodposfeb (24&25)

24) Compliment someone else.
Done!  I told my friend Kit, "Your bod is rockin and I'm super proud of all you have going on in your life."

25) Draw or write something positive on yourself.
I don't really... get this one?  I dunno.  It just doesn't speak to me in any kind of way.  So I didn't do it.  *hangs head*  It's the only #bodposfeb challenge I've skipped, and I'm not gonna beat myself up for not doing one.  Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like it, I dunno.

#bodposfeb (21-23)

21) Share three quotes that inspire you or make you feel good about yourself.
*"If you can't be pretty, be as pretty as you can be."  Now, this might not sound very body positive, but it is the way I use it.  I don't take it to mean, "Always put effort into your appearance;" I say it to myself to remind myself to be the best I can.  Sometimes I say, "If you can't be happy, be as happy as you can be," when I'm having a blue day, and it reminds me that there are things in my life that I can count on even when my brain chemistry is clusterfucked.  In terms of being pretty, like I said, it doesn't mean to me that I have to make myself pretty; somehow for me it means that there is always something beautiful about me and I should remember that.  The quote is from the book Beauty Before Comfort, by Allison Glock.  It's a biography of her grandmother and is a very sweet little read.
*"Do I dare to eat a peach?"  This is from my favorite poem, The Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock by T.S. Eliot.  It's my version of "carpe diem."
*"Keep your head up."  This one explains itself.

22) Post an image that makes you think of body positivity.

23) Appreciate your naked self.
Well, this was easy.  I love my body, and being naked is right up my alley.  Cheers!

#bodposfeb (20)

20) Ad-busting.
I had no idea what "ad-busting" meant, so I did me a lil' internet search.  I found the Tumblr Ad-Busting, which is a collection of real ads that have feminist commentary written over them.  I liked the idea, but wasn't really inspired.  What appealed to me most on the blog were the "unbustable" ads: ads that didn't use photoshop or promote harmful messages.  In the spirit of ad-busting with a positive bent, I'd like to share with you the photo series "Lustworthy: A Statement for the Visible Woman."  Created by fat activist Jes Baker and photographer Liora K, it is a fake advertorial for the fictional perfume Lustworthy.  I find the series inspirational; check out the rest by clicking the above link.

OOTDx2

Went to the mall and out for foods with my friend Kit.  She was looking especially cute and snapped a selfie, so I had her take a photo of me too so I could post them here.

My coat is from Steve Madden, XXL
Sweater from Boohoo Plus, size 18 US
Cami from Wet Seal Plus, size 3x
Jeans from Old Navy, Sweetheart cut size 12
Sneakers from Zappos

Kit's coat is from Burlington Coat Factory
Shirt is thrifted
Vest is from Ny&Co (she makes a cut up the back of vests that are too small for some impromptu tailoring)
Shoes from Ugg
Hat from Ugg
Purse from Givenchy

#bodposfeb (19)

19) Post a picture of yourself in your favorite outfit.

I don't like using the word "love" to describe my feelings for items of clothing, but I fucking love this coat.  The hood is huge so it covers my hair without smooshing it, it's longer in the back than the front which gives it visual interest and means my ass doesn't get frozen when I sit outside, and the fabric has a really beautiful weave.

I was a little disappointed in this dress when I opened its package.  I have the Asos Curve skater dress with no sleeves in black, and with short sleeves in grey, and I'm mightily enamored of both.  This is the same cut, of course, but the fabric is cheaper.  My other dresses are a straight up jersey, and this one is similar to jersey but slinkier.  However, I like the cut so much that when I pair the dress with the coat it still qualifies as my favorite outfit.

I asked for the necklace for Christmas and was super excited to get it.  "I am I am I am" is the end of a quote from Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar.  I like Plath's poetry better than I like The Bell Jar, but the quote ("I took a deep breath and listened to the old bray of my heart:  I am, I am, I am.") always makes me kind of smile and lift my head a little higher.  And I like the Out of Print company because for every purchase they donate a book to a community in need of books.

Coat, XXL- Steve Madden

Dress, 14- Asos Curve

Necklace- Out of Print

#bodposfeb (18)

18) Write about what body positivity means to you.

I don't really know where to start with this because, to me,"body positivity" is so damn self-explanatory.  I will say that what I look for when a site or article claims to be body positive is that it is inclusive of all bodies, healthy and unhealthy.  I don't care how out of shape people are, they still deserve respect and care and they are free to feel positively about their bodies.  On a more personal note, my body positivity means seeing the beauty in others' bodies, and in my own.  It is basking in the glow of exercise, but it is also rubbing my tummy after eating a bunch of ice cream.  It's simply taking joy in this body of mine, no matter what its state.  The same goes for how I try to view others: all bodies have value, no matter what they look like or what they are capable of.

#bodposfeb (15-17)

15) Share a meal with someone you love.
Had dinner with my friend Manny!  Seeing him always relaxes me and gives me the warm fuzzies.

16) Share one word that you love to use to describe your body.
You guys... My legit favorite way to describe my body is honestly "fat."  I love that it makes people so uncomfortable.  I'm not generally a provocative or combative person, but I love calling myself "fat," having the person I'm talking to start to hem and haw about how I'm not fat, and then being all, "Actually, yeah, I am pretty, but I'm also fat, and I have no problem with being fat."  Kind of my little way of saying "fuck you" to beauty standards.

17) Do something active to celebrate what your body is capable of.
I danced for about twelve years, and during that time I was incredibly flexible.  Despite being in horrible shape now, I still retain a good amount of flexibility, and exercising that always makes me feel good.  So, for today, I did some deep stretches before dancing around my living room.  Felt great!  There have been some #bodposfeb challenges that I'm going to have to keep doing, and this is definitely one of them.

#bodposfeb (14)

14) Describe your ideal relationship with your body.
Because I have mental health issues, when I think of "my body," I also think about my brain chemistry.  Hence, this post is mostly about my ideal relationship with my head-space, because I'm pretty good with my body image. 
*I want to be forgiving of my body.  When I'm clusterfucked and miserable, I don't want to cut myself, I want to be gentle with myself.  Even if I can only resist cutting for a few hours before giving in, I want to give myself those few hours.
*I want to appreciate how strong my body is, especially when my brain has me feeling weak.  I want to get up and be active a little everyday, even if I'm so depressed that anything other than being horizontal feels impossible.  My mind may have moments of weakness, but I want to remember that physically, I am always capable of action.
*I want to pamper my body.  Even, or especially, when I feel like I don't deserve it.  #bodposfeb has taught me that taking half an hour to make my body feel good makes my mind feel good.  Instead of thinking, "I didn't do anything productive today, so I don't deserve pampering," I want to remember, "Pampering myself makes me feel like I can handle being productive."  I want to be optimistic about what I can accomplish, and taking care of my body puts me in the head-space to do that.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Check out Sex Ed Plus for sex positive education.

Follow Sex Ed Plus on Tumblr for more great info graphics.

#bodposfeb (12&13)

12) Say something nice about yourself out loud in the mirror.
Well, I don't like this game.  I can be campy when talking to myself about myself, but for this I wanted to be sincere, and that made me incredibly uncomfortable.  I actually talked about this with my shrink today, and I realized that I don't really believe good things about myself unless someone else backs me up.  To look at myself and say something nice about myself out loud was hard, but it felt really good.  I actually teared up a little bit, but don't tell anyone that.
What I said was, "You're doing pretty good.  You can do better, and I believe that you will.  But you're doing good."
13) Have a dance party in your room.
Yeah, this one was hands down my favorite so far, and I'm betting it'll be my favorite at the end of the month.  I'm going to be doing this regularly from now on.
Music I played:
*All Day And All Of The Night- The Kinks
*Son Of A Preacher Man- Dusty Springfield
*Mr. Jones- Counting Crows
*Hooked On A Feeling- Blue Swede
*Hello- Me First And The Gimme Gimmes

#bodposfeb (11)

11) Write a body positive letter to your past self.
 Oooookaaaay.  This is a tough one.  Whenever I wish I knew something when I was younger, or that I had taken different actions, I remember that to imagine a different life is to imagine a different self with which to live it.  I don't want to do that; I love who I am.  I wouldn't wish to tell my younger self what was to come, because I wouldn't end up the woman that I am now.  Of course, today's challenge doesn't have to be that deep.  But I can't escape the notion that telling my past self anything would change who I am now.  The things I wish for my past self are that she had a better support system and valued herself more, but one can't just say "Value yourself!"  And telling my past self that her support system sucks doesn't change her support system.  So I don't really know what to write to my past self.  The only major blip on my body positivity journey was the few months when my weight reached 200lbs and I was miserable, but I quickly realized that I was only miserable because I was giving credence to my dad's hatred of fat people.  I wouldn't take that learning experience away from myself, because it was a great lesson in not letting the opinions of those close to me affect my view of myself.  So yeah, I don't have a body positive letter, or any other kind of letter, to write to my past self.  And I'm actually really happy about that.

#bodposfeb (8-10)

8) Write about something you are grateful to your body for allowing you to do.
Okay, I'm in a crappy head space and I'm just gonna roll with it.  My agoraphobia stops me from doing anything outside, and my depression stops me from doing things like showering daily and cleaning my apartment.  However, I am extremely grateful that when my brain chemistry isn't ass, my body allows me to do those things.  I can move my furniture at a whim, I can garden for ten hours, I can walk to the grocery store... I'm lucky that my body allows me to do those things.  I don't have to worry about handicap access at restaurants, or sneaking a grocery cart home from Giant.  I'm in a shit head space, but maybe focusing on what I can physically do when I'm mentally better will help me feel better.  I actually think that's kind of working.  I'm 100% against telling people "You should be glad things aren't worse," but in this instance I think that needs to be how I look at things.


9) Express your appreciation for a source of support in your life.
I live in an apartment building that my dad owns.  I live here rent free.  The only thing he asks me to do it keep up the yard work and keep the hall clean.  And since June 2014, I haven't been able to do the yard work, but he has given me no shit about it.  My dad also gives me $250 a week, and he pays for my medication.  My dad doesn't hold this over my head or ever throw it in my face.  He makes sure to tell me that I'm not a burden, that he is happy to make sure that I have a home and food and health care.  It's a source of shame for me that I can't take care of myself, but I am deeply grateful that my father is able and willing to take care of me until I'm doing better.  He can be a fatphobic ass, but he's a good person and a wonderful father.  I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for his support.

10) Share a song, poem, book, movie, or TV show that helps you feel body positive.
I legit don't have anything like this, so I'm listing blogs that make me feel body positive.
-Dances With Fat
-Tutus and Tiny Hats
-Thrift O Rama
-The Militant Baker
-Plus Size Princess
-A Fat Fox

Mood disorder illustration

found on http://battle-with-bipolar.tumblr.com

I think this illustration is fucking brilliant, especially the "mixed states" image.

I have Bipolar I.  Until about three years ago, my manic and depressive episodes were each months long, leading me to be misdiagnosed as having depression.  The hardest part about being re-diagnosed as bipolar was realizing that my months of amazing productivity weren't because I was amazing, but because I was manic.  I still sometimes wish for a manic episode, because I'm so productive when I'm manic.  However, I am more than glad to continue my search for the right medication to keep me balanced, because it isn't worth the depression to have some heightened productivity from mania.  

#bodposfeb (5-7)

5) Treat yourself to a food you love.
I went to the diner near my apartment with my friend, Manny.  I had chicken croquettes because I wanted to try something new and my grandmother always gets them at diners.  The part of my meal that was "food I love" was canned beets and apple sauce.  I usually don't have apple sauce when I eat out because I feel like it's a little kid food, but I love apple sauce.  And I love canned beets so much that when I was in school and got good grades, my mother would give me a can of beets instead of money.  I know it sounds kinda sad, but I seriously love me some canned beets.  I think the point of today's challenge was to have a "guilty pleasure" food, but whatever whatever, I do what I want!

6) Treat yourself to an hour of self-care.
I wasn't sure what to do for this one: I'm not a pamper-y kinda person.  My hair was in bad need of a trim, so I badgered my mother into cutting it for me.  Having someone play with my hair is one of my top five favorite sensations, so I loved having my hair cut.  Almost five inches came off, and my hair feels much healthier.  The cut only took about half an hour, so I'm going to do another half an hour of self-care another day: I have a new body scrub on its way in the mail to me, and I'll exfoliate, shave my legs, and moisturize.  I never, never, do these kinds of "self indulgent" things any more.  Now that I can't go to school or work or even volunteer, I feel like I don't deserve relaxing moments, because why do I need to relax?  Of course, being a Bipolar Agorophobic with PTSD is actually pretty damn stressful.  Today's challenge was a good reminder to me that taking time to pamper my body makes me feel good, and how can that be a bad thing?  I've learned my first lesson from #bodposfeb!

7) Put a quote or picture up on your mirror that makes you feel confident.
I don't really have a go-to confidence inducing quote, so I went in a slightly different direction.  My quote is "then saw the tree tops, cocked her head and up and flew."  It's from the song Only Skin on Joanna Newsom's album Ys.  I actually plan on getting it tattooed on my bicep in the next few months.  The lyric is from a part of the song in which a bird flies into a window, and a woman carries the bird to a treehouse so that her dogs won't get at it.  She holds the bird in her hand, and the bird is so still that the woman thinks the bird is dead... Then it sees the trees, cocks its head, and flies away.  The entire song is very soothing to me, but that line in particular reminds me that surrounding myself with plants always gives me strength; even something as simple as watering the plants in my apartment helps with my anxiety.  The quote doesn't necessarily make me feel confident, but it makes me feel good.

#bodposfeb

Tumblr user hourglassandclass has posted a list of body positive activities, one for every day in February, called #Bodposfeb; obviously, it stands for "Body Positive February."  I'm late to the game but am going to jump right in!  This post is for days 1-4, and I will make a post every day or two here on out.  Check out the hashtag on Tumblr, and/or join in!

1) Write about why you want to do this challenge.
Honestly, for fun!  I'm generally resistant to "self help" activities, but I know that they often work for me, so I start them just to have fun and let whatever lessons I learn come as they may.  That way I don't feel pressured to gain some wonderful experience, I can just relax and go with the flow.

2) Take a selfie.

Eetsa me!  Since I don't have a camera, there is an odd lack of pictures of me on my blog.  Here I am, no makeup, hair semi-wild, trash piled up behind me on the back of my couch...  But I like it any way. I think I look like someone who would be fun to hang out with.





3) Write three nice things about your body.
*I love my freckles.
*My eyesight has barely gotten worse since I was in fifth grade, which is pretty freaking awesome.
*I can garden for hours.  Bending, kneeling, hoeing, digging... For hours without wearing out.  I'm thankful for that.

4) Write three nice things about you that aren't physical.
*I'm honest, but I only tell harsh truths when my opinion is asked for, and I still remain respectful.
*I'm loyal.
*I write one hell of a research paper.

OOTD

Fat Folk Get Love: Beth Ditto and Kristin Ogata

Beth Ditto and Kristin Ogata have been best friends since Ditto was 18.  Of their relationship Ditto once said, "We just always kind of knew that we were always in love. It’s blissful, I think. It’s really sweet and perfect. I feel like it’s like so simple that it’s a miracle."  

At Cannes, 2012

July 2013

one year anniversary

"Islam is against women in power!"

photos and stats compiled by the6thsiren